


Too Much

by mystrangedarkson



Series: Sanders Sides Ficlets [8]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Blood, Hospital, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Loathing, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, im sorry guys i needed to vent some shit and took it out on our boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 12:23:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14520486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mystrangedarkson/pseuds/mystrangedarkson
Summary: It's all too much, he's too much, and he can't take it anymore.------This is REALLY graphic, please read with caution.





	Too Much

**Author's Note:**

> Again, this is reall dark, angsty, and graphic. Please proceed with caution. Trigger warnings include blood, self-loathing, a suicide attempt, self harm. I pulled no punches, it's all very graphic. I'm sorry in advance.

Too much. It was all too much. He was too much, always too much. The words echoed in his head, mocking him for his weakness in between repetitions of their last conversation,  _ his _ last words.

-

"I told you not to get close to me. You're too much for me, and he gets me so well, so easily. It would be so hard for us to make anything work, and I couldn't do that to either of us."

"P- please. Please, give us a try. I love you. I've loved you for so long. Please."

"I can't. Please, accept that."

"Tell me you love me. I know you don't mean it, but please. Just once, and I'll go away, stop begging."

"I- I do love you. Just not enough, not the way you need and deserve to be loved."

He couldn't say a word as the love of his life walked away, towards the man  _ he _ loved.

-

He'd always wondered how long a person could cry before running out of tears, if that was possible. He looked at the clock; apparently it was 3 hours of body-wracking sobs. Somewhere in those hours, sadness gave way to anger and disgust. Not at  _ him _ , of course, he understood the other's decision, as much as it hurt. No, he hated himself. Self-loathing welled up in his chest.  _ Weak, _ the voice in his head sneered,  _ desperate, pathetic. Of course he chose someone else; who could love someone as clingy and over the top as you? You deserve this pain. _ He looked over to his desk, saw his letter opener, and knew what he had to do.  _ What you need, what you deserve, _ the voice mocked.

 

The first cut brought the too-familiar burn followed by a rush of adrenaline- his body telling him that he's in danger, to run. But he didn't want to. He embraced the pain, the ability to take control of it and make his pain physical.  _ Nothing like fight or flight to take you out of your head _ , he chuckled darkly as he watched the blood well up. A dozen cuts later, and it still wasn't enough. He still felt too much, still couldn't see a way out. 

 

How was he supposed to keep going? How do you recover from the only man you've ever loved ripping your heart out while giving his own to your best friend and roommate? How do you face either of them ever again, knowing they have what you wanted more than anything in the world?  _ You know the answer. But you're too much of a coward. You didn't have the guts to tell him how you felt until it was too late. Coward. Weak. Desperate. Clingy. Second-best. Too much, but never enough- how pathetically fucked up do you have to be to be both? _ He sat there at his desk, numb, for a long time- he didn't know how long. When he came back to himself, his arm had stopped bleeding, and he had a plan.

 

A few minutes later, he was sitting in the bathtub in only his boxers, feeling his upper arm for his brachial artery, a kitchen knife on the side of the tub and a note on the counter.

 

_ Whichever of you finds me, know that I love you. Both of you. You are my best friends, the best people I have ever known. This isn't either of your faults. This is my weakness, my fault for not being strong enough. I hated who I was becoming, and I couldn't see a way out. And sticking around would only make things weird for all three of us. So I'm doing what I have to. I'm erasing myself from the narrative. Please move on, be happy. It's all I want for both of you. Call it my dying wish, I guess. I love you both. Goodbye. _

-

Twenty minutes later, Logan found him, unconscious and in a pool of his own blood that seemed impossibly big. He frantically dialed 911 while finding the source of the bleeding, cuts to his wrists and upper arm. He grabbed all the towels in the bathroom and started applying pressure, desperately praying the paramedics would arrive soon. He was glad his boyfriend had already left- Logan was sure he couldn't handle seeing their friend like this. As he was waiting, now covered in his best friend's blood as he tried to keep him alive, he noticed other cuts, scabbed up, up and down his arms.  _ God, why? What happened to make you want to do this? _ It was then that he noticed the piece of paper on the counter. He reached one hand out to get it, and started crying as he read the words on the now-bloody page.  _ Oh my god. Why didn't he tell me? Why did neither of them tell me? Where are the damn paramedics? _ Eventually, they arrived and quickly got his friend to the nearest ER. They refused to let Logan ride in the ambulance; saying that the situation was too delicate to risk having someone without medical training with them. So he took out his phone and made two more calls.

 

Before long, three young men were anxiously waiting in the ER lobby waiting for an update. Logan had changed shirts and done his best to get the blood off his arms, but his fingernails were still red. He picked at them while the other two read the note. They read and reread it until the doctor came out, unable to process that this was all really happening.

 

"Is he okay? Is he going to live?" Logan asked before the doctor was able to say a word.

"He did major damage to his brachial and radial arteries, but we got to him in time to save his life, thanks to you, young man," he said, nodding at Logan, "Yes, he will live. We have to hold him for a few days, to monitor his recovery and to make sure he doesn't try this again."

"We understand, doctor. Can we see him?"

"He's still heavily sedated from surgery and exhausted from the extensive blood loss, but yes, I will take you to his room. Follow me."

 

"He's so pale. God, we almost lost him."

"This is all my fault."

"Thank God for modern medicine" The three men spoke at once, all too lost in their own thoughts to pay attention to what the others said. 

 

"W- what happened?" Three heads snapped up to the man in the bed.

"How much do you remember?"

"I- everything hurt. I needed it to stop. I should be dead. Why am I not dead?"

"I found you in the tub. The paramedics said they got there just in time, or we would have lost you." Logan replied gently.

"Why? Why would you try to leave us?" Roman interjected.

"I- they didn't tell you?"

"Tell me what?" Roman demanded, glaring at the other two.

"We're, uh, together. Just happened today." Logan mumbled, suddenly very interested in the floor.

"Oh my god. You know he's been in love with you for years, right?" Roman yelled at the other man, "Did you at least let him down easily?"

"I- I tried," he stammered, "but you know how I freeze up sometimes. He was so sad, so hurt… I don't even remember what I said."

"You said I'm too much for you, that he 'gets you' better than I could."

"Hey, hey, hey, it's okay, I'll make this okay, just calm down, please. You've been through so much today." Roman begged.

"Okay. For you."

"Thank you. Now you two," Roman said, glaring at the very guilty-looking couple, "go out into the hall. I'll be out in a minute to talk with both of you." They mumbled agreement as they shuffled out of the room.

"Thank you, Roman. You are the best friend anyone could ever ask for. I'm sorry I put you through this."

"It's okay. I understand. Just don't do it again, okay? I don't know what I'd do without you, Patton." With a small, sad, smile, Roman went to kick some emo ass as his best friend fell asleep in his hospital bed.


End file.
